So I have been trying to get this post completed for 3 days. I didn't really believe it when everyone told me that having a baby would completely change my world and my ability to accomplish 30+ things in a day. I wouldn't trade it for the world, it just means that I have to be a little more patient with my ability to do things - totally worth the effort. Anyway...

I went to see Dr. Soppas, the pediatrician/lactation consultant at Drexel Hill Pediatrics. She was wonderful and the visit went really well. Dr. Soppas asked me a bunch of questions about what I had been going through and about my health. She also watched me feed Lorelai both with and without the supplementer. She talked to me a bit about the options and how she has worked with mothers in the same situation in the past. Here is a brief recap:

- I should consider how I am feeding Lorelai with the supplementer as breastfeeding. I didn't think of it that way before and it has made a difference in my feelings towards using it.
- I may never make enough milk to feed her completely on my own but I could use the supplementer for 6 months and then when she starts solids I may have enough milk to feed her solids and breast milk.
- I may also get enough milk to feed her just breast milk for snacks or during the night time feeding while using the supplementer for the main meals.
- Or we may figure this whole thing out and just be able to give her the breast milk.

So this is the course of action we are taking. She had me go for more blood work yesterday to see where my HCG and other levels fall. She also felt like an HCG of 35 was too high and may indicate retained placenta. If the level is not down around 5 now (a month later) then she will order an ultrasound for me. She also gave me a prescription for Reglan, an acid reflux medicine that also has the side affect of producing more milk.

Hopefully the test results will come in on Saturday and she will give me a call, if not then I'm sure I will hear something on Monday.

I feel really good about having a plan. I'm not the kind of person that operates well in limbo, I have to feel l have a plan and that a decision can be made at the end. I'm also excited to think that I am breastfeeding even if it is with a little help - I love a new perspective.

Thanks so much for all the support and for sharing your stories with me. It has helped more than I can say.

So the breastfeeding saga continues...I have been playing phone tag with The Birth Center since Friday. I call and leave a message for the midwife to call me back, she calls me back when I can't get to the phone (i.e. I'm feeding the baby), I call and leave another message for her to call me back again, you get the idea. Well, she finally called back and I was able to answer. I wish I had just let it go to voice mail again.

I told her I was calling about my test results and that I understood that the results were in the normal ranges but wasn't it possible that there still could be a problem since I was not producing any milk. She said that the normal ranges indicated that there was not a problem so there was no need for further testing in regards to the test results. I asked her why I wasn't producing any milk then and she told me that some people just don't produce milk. That is interesting coming from them since they are such huge advocates for breastfeeding and while sitting in their 2.5 hour breastfeeding class their lactation consultant told the class not to let anyone tell us we could not breastfeed our babies. So why are they not willing to help me, go the extra mile, whatever? She told me that I should call Dr. Soble (the doctor my lactation consultant recommended to me).

I told her that I did not feel like I was getting any support from them and that I was really disappointed about that. I think that tomorrow I will call the other doctor and then I will see what she has to say. After that I will write a letter to The Birth Center and tell them how I feel about things. I am so disappointed because they have been so wonderful to me up until now.

It is fine if I cannot produce milk, I understand and accept that. However, I have a problem with them leading everyone on by telling them we can all feed our babies. They need to spend the first hour of their class telling people the difficulties with breastfeeding (which they do not cover in the class at all) rather than discussing the global politics of breastfeeding.

Ok, my rant is over. I'll keep you posted.

I had to add Samson to the list of children because my family asked why he wasn't included. This says a lot because before Lorelai came we always referred to Sam as our Dog-Son. Now with the baby he has become just a Dog. That is so sad! He is still the biggest baby in the house though :-)

I had a great visit with the lactation consultant, Robyn, today. She called yesterday and told me that she wanted to get Lorelai started on The Supplementer. The supplementer is basically a small bottle that I wear around my neck and it has two small tubes coming out of it. I tape one tube near each nipple and then when Lorelai latches on to the nipple she gets the tube too. This way, even if I'm not making enough milk, she still gets nutrition.

It works great and Lorelai is able to latch on and feed for about 10 minutes on each side but because it is much more difficult to breastfeed then to bottle feed she tires out easily and is really only getting about 1 oz so I finish her off with the bottle. To get her more used to it Robyn suggested I try to find a day where I can spend with her just experimenting with the supplementer until she gets used to it. I have most of the day tomorrow so I think I will take advantage of it.

Robyn still feels like there is something going on with me that is causing my milk not to come in. She believes that it is retained placenta but that when she spoke with one of the midwives where I delivered the midwife didn't seem too concerned. I'm going to call the midwife tomorrow and try to get one of them that I know a bit better and see if I can make any progress with them. If I can't, Robyn gave me the name of a doctor that is also a lactation specialist and I will call her.

It feels good to be able to "feed" Lorelai and especially good not to be chained to the pump. Woo hoo!!!

We are finally on our own with the baby. I took my dad to the airport this morning so Joe and I are alone with Lorelai now. It was really wonderful having my family here but it is also nice to be alone with my hubby and my sweetie pie. I feel like I can finally get my house back in order and begin to establish a routine for me and Lorelai. If only I had the energy to do those things. Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight, maybe...

When does "Are you ok?" make you not ok?

I'm not sure if any of you experience this with your significant other but I just find it so amusing that I have to share.

My husband is really wonderful. He is very caring and compassionate and he truly means well. However, he asks me about 3 too many times if I am ok. The first time is natural and expected. The second time is for checking in and is fine too, especially if I am acting unusual or solemn. Any time after that is just too much. I could tell him how I am feeling which is usually completely irrational and moody, but isn't it better just to keep it to myself until it blows over? I think that it is, but it is that irrational and moody behavior that makes the 3rd time seem a bit much.

Now how do I relay this information, especially in the moment, while maintaining the same love and compassion that my hubby is trying to express by asking the question? Especially when what I want to do is scream like a banshee - more of that irrational behavior.

My tests results came back and everything looks normal. They tested my prolactin, testosterone, HCG and thyroid levels. The prolactin showed that I am lactating and the HCG had dropped from the 1000+ down to 35. So if all is ok then why am I only getting teaspoons when I pump? My lactation consultant is still working on what might be going on and how to help me.

Lorelai is eating more at each feeding, almost 4 oz. each time, so she is napping longer between feedings. This makes me feel like I have a bit more time to get things done. I'm still pumping when she feeds but because everything is a bit more spaced out it does not seem as overwhelming. I'm just not sure how long to keep doing this before it kicks in or I throw in the towel. A friend of mine told me it could take 4-5 weeks, I can hold out that long, but I don't feel like I have the energy to keep going after that.

I know it will be ok if she is a bottle fed baby. I was bottle fed, my hubby was bottle fed, in fact almost everyone I know my age was bottle fed. I just really, really wanted to breastfeed her so I'm feeling a little down on myself right now. It is the mental vs. the emotional.

I hope the lactation consultant has some new ideas for me tomorrow.

We took Lorelai back to see Dr. May this week. We all had bets on how much she would weigh because she really seemed to be putting the weight back on. She weighed in at 6 lbs 10.5 oz, just above her original birth weight. What a relief!

The doctor wanted me to start trying to breast feed again because we thought my milk was coming in (I had just had a pumping session where I generated about 1oz of milk). The plan was to start her on the breast and then top her off with a bottle until I was creating enough milk to sustain her, roughly 15oz per day.

She latched on just fine but wasn't getting anything but frustrated so I fed her the bottle and pumped. I only got teaspoons again. I was devastated and called the lactation consultant, Robyn. Robyn was concerned because I should have been producing more milk so she recommended I get a blood test done to check for a few things that could hinder milk production...retained placenta (HCG levels), testosterone, progesterone and thyroid levels. I went yesterday for the tests and should hear something back by tomorrow afternoon.

Until then we will continue to bottle feed and pump, adding what I do get with the pump to the bottles.

I was stepping into the shower this morning when I looked over at the mirror (big mistake that I didn't cover all of those for 6 weeks after delivery) and notice my butt was flat. When did that happen? How did that happen? Not that I had an amazing butt to begin with but it was a bit rounded. It got me to thinking about all of the other things they don't tell you about having a baby. For some strange reason there is a huge lack of literature about what happens to the mother's body once she delivers the baby. There are heeps of books about pregnancy and deliver and heeps of books about baby's first years but nothing about the things that take place with Mom once the baby comes out. Now some of this info. might not be suitable for all audiences but if you watch any network television then you should be ok.

Here are my 5 favorites:
1) Flat butt - When your hips start to spread out for the delivery it causes your butt to look flatter. Now what I cannot find info about is if it goes back. I assume your hips move back to their original place but does your butt still hang low or does it bounce back too? How long does this take? I guess I will wait and see and if it doesn't go back by the time I can exercise again then I will be doing a lot of squats.

2) Boobs like Mt. Rushmore - When your milk starts to come in your boobs become as hard as rocks and it feels like somebody is constantly squeezing your nipples. I'm talking about pain to the point of keeping you awake at night. Why does this happen and how long will it last? I can answer half of the question, it lasts about 2 days - or did in my case. What they also don't tell you is how to get some relief. Using cold compresses will relieve some of the pain as well as breastfeeding or pumping. Using hot compresses will help the milk to let down and will also help with the pain. At any rate, there is pain so be prepared.

3) Breastfeeding is not easy - I don't consider myself naive but I actually thought breastfeeding would be fairly easy, I mean almost all of my friends are doing it with success. I guess I wasn't around for the first few weeks or it wasn't info. that they shared. Humm, do I share too much? Since Lorelai was born the only issue we have had is with feeding her. When I share my stories with friends they all tell me their stories and most of them start out the same way...we had to supplement with formula in the beginning. Well, I would have prepared differently if I had know it was so common. Instead I felt like a breastfeeding failure, not a good way to start out. The reassuring thing is that they were all able to switch back to breastfeeding once things were successfully underway. Hang in there!

4) Big belly - This one I knew a little about before I delivered but not the whole extent. Once you have the baby you keep your Buddha belly for at least 6 weeks. What this means is that you stay in maternity clothes for an additional 6 weeks. Luckily one of my friends warned me to take maternity clothes with me to the Birth Center because a lot of people will take their pre-baby clothes thinking that once the baby comes out their belly goes away only to end up going home in the clothes they wore to the delivery. If you were like me, that is the last thing you want to put on as well as the fact that you don't want to get your picture taking wearing that. I was in a ratty t-shirt and sweat pants because that is all that felt comfortable when I was going through the most excruciating (but totally worth it) pain of my life. When I left the Birth Center 12 hours after giving birth my belly was smaller but I still looked about 6 months pregnant - no way my "skinny" jeans were going to fit. The midwife let me know that it would take about 6 weeks for the effects to go away. Ok, I can handle 6 more weeks in pull up pants, I have actually enjoyed not having to button or zip anything.

5) Bleeding - This one is a bit more serious so I saved it for last in case the other 4 turned anyone off they wouldn't make it this far. Before you go to have the baby make sure you buy stock in Always Maxi Pads (nobody beats those wings!). When you are pregnant your blood volume doubles. Therefore, once you have the baby you have to get back to your normal volume. You lose some blood during the delivery and in the placenta but you continue to lose the rest over the next 6 weeks. In addition, the placenta attaches itself to the uterus and when you deliver it comes off leaving an open wound that needs to heal. This healing process also generates blood loss and like any sore, if you don't rest and allow it time to heal it will take longer and therefore bleed more.

That last one reminds me of one more that I have to add:
Bonus: No sex for 4-6 weeks - What?!?!?! So in the last few weeks of pregnancy you are so big you can hardly move and sex is the last thing you have on your mind - understandable. But then you have the baby and not only are you too tired to think about sex but you are also trying to heal and are not allowed to have sex. The length of time depends on what your body went through in delivery - 4 weeks for a straight forward birth, 6 weeks if you had an episiotomy. Sex may be the last thing on your mind but if you are like me, you treasure that closeness with your partner and since you have been missing it for the previous month or so then it would be nice to get back to it. The stronger the bond between the parents, the stronger the sense of security for the baby.

These 5+ are just informational, I am not complaining about any of them. There is nothing more amazing and beautiful than having a baby. One of the most amazing things is how quickly you forget how it felt to go through labor. I don't regret one minute of the whole experience.

Today was a complete turn around from yesterday and we are so excited. The feedings went really well through the night and all day. She is back to the sweet, sweet baby that we had the first three days of her life. We took her to the doctor too and she had put on 7oz by this morning, he thought that might be a record! We will take her back on Monday and probably be able to cut back on the frequency of the feedings.

We have been feeding her every 2 hours through out the day and every 3 hours at night. She sleeps right up to her feedings and if she does wake early it is by about 5-10 minutes. We even saw her smile today. A happy baby is such an amazing feeling.

The pumping is a bit challenging. I have to pump every time we feed Lorelai so it is a little overwhelming. If I want to feed her then it takes about 30 minutes, then I have to pump for 30 minutes and by then I only have an hour before we begin the cycle again. Most of the time I let Joe or my mom feed her while I pump so that it makes it go a little faster but then I miss out on the bonding. It is nice for Joe and my mom to be able to bond with her in that way. Soon I will be back to the breast feeding and the mommy bonding.

So I think yesterday was the most difficult day of my life, ever! Joe and I were running a little low on sleep yesterday but we were feeling pretty good about things. I am breastfeeding and I felt like things were going ok, it is hard hard to tell when you don't have a way to measure the milk. Lorelai was feeding well when she wanted to eat but if we had to wake her she didn't eat so well. She was making plenty of messy diapers so that was our measure of success.

Well, about noon yesterday Lorelai started crying and would not stop. It wasn't constant, she would cry for about an hour and then settle down. We were able to feed her some and she was making messy diapers still so we thought she had gas. We continued with the sleep for 30 minutes - cry for an hour - feed for 5 minutes cycle that she seemed to be for the rest of the day and ALL NIGHT LONG! About 2:30am we called the pediatrician and he said she sounded hungry, try to keep feeding her and bring her in, we had an appointment today already. She feel asleep about 5:00am and did sleep until 7:00.

At 7:00 we woke up and I fed her a little bit and then she slept the rest of the morning until 11:00am when we went to the pediatrician. Dr. May weighed her and she was down from her birth weight of 6 lbs 10 oz to 5 lbs 10 oz - which was 14% of her body weight. Dr. May discussed our options with us, bottle feeding or breastfeeding. He recommended a lactation consultant at Newborn Concepts and called and made an appointment for us.

We met with Robyn at Newborn Concepts and she checked Lorelai's ability to suck at the breast and we learned that her "suck" was not strong enough, which could be attributed to her low weight and energy. Robyn also thought that even though my milk appeared to be in, because Lorelai was not strong enough to suck that my milk was probably not plentiful enough yet. We then discussed our options, our only concern being that Lorelai put the weight back on and become stronger and the goal to be able to breastfeed again. We decided to formula feed her from a bottle until I could pump enough to supply her milk. Once she put the weight back on and I was producing enough milk for her we would switch her back to breastfeeding.

Oh my gosh, what a relief we felt. We caught it early and were able to get a good plan in place before she was too sick or dehydrated. We are feeding her every 2 hours during the day and every 3 hours at night. Every time we feed her I also pump so that my milk supply will soon match the demand of feeding. As soon as I get enough milk she will be bottle fed with breast milk but until then we have to give her formula. We are already noticing a difference and I cannot explain how much better we feel. I know that she will be all better soon.

Wow! What an experience. My water broke at 3:30am Friday morning but active labor did not kick in until about 7:00pm Saturday night. We ran back and forth to the birth center a couple of times for them to check on me and the baby and make sure everything was ok and since it was they continued to let me labor at home. When it finally kicked it we definitely knew it though and headed back down there to start the real work.

I know that people say that there are hormones that kick in during birth that cause you to forget a lot of what you go through but I didn't really believe it. I do believe it now b/c thinking back to the labor part I'm struggling to really remember what it was all about. I don't mind too much though. When we arrived back at the birth center in active labor I was 3cm dilated and doing well but they did not want to let me get into the jacuzzi until I was between 5-7cm dilated. If they let you in earlier than that it can slow down the labor but if you wait until you are over 5cm dilated then it helps speed things up. I tried different positions, standing, walking, the birth ball, a rocking chair, to help move the labor along. The more active you can be the faster the labor moves. I was also able to nap between the contractions and that was a big relief too.

When they checked me again I was 5cm dilated and able to get into the jacuzzi. It felt so good to be able to be in the hot water and float a little bit. When I felt like pushing they took me out of the tub and checked me again and I was 9cm dilated. The jacuzzi moved things along really quickly for me. When I finally hit 10cm we started pushing. That part I remember clearly still. I pushed for about 30 minutes and Lorelai came through my pelvic bones without a problem. However, when she got to the perineum I could not push her through and they had to do a small episiotomy to help her pass but once that was done she was out and on my belly.

What a crazy feeling. There was a baby on my belly and it was mine and she was beautiful and alert and just so amazing. She has a full head of black hair like her daddy and beautiful dark blue-green eyes. I still cannot believe she is mine!

Oh my gosh, or should I say gush! My water broke at 3:30 this morning. I have had a feeling for a month or so that Lorelai would be early but somehow I doubted it. Well, it looks like she is on her way. I'm not having contractions yet but that is fine with me.

I called the midwife to let her know that my water had broke and she asked me a number of questions and confirmed my suspicions. She told me to try and go back to sleep for a few hours since I would have a long day ahead of me. Who can sleep with all this excitement! I had to have an outlet for it so that I wouldn't wake up Joe yet so I'm sharing it with all of you. I'm a list maker so when I tried to lay back down all I could do was make lists of things to do before leaving for the birth center.

So it looks like later today or tonight we will be home with our little girl. The way it works at my birth center is that you go in and deliver the baby. Once you have her and they confirm that we are both doing fine then they send you home, no 2 day hospital stay. They keep you for at least 4 hours after deliver because if something is going to happen to either one of us then it will happen in the first four hours. We are required to stay six but at our birth center they let you stay for 12 hours.

I'm sorry I'm rambling right now but I'm sure you can all understand, I just so excited.

Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to post some pictures and give you details.

I want to take a few minutes to blog about how Lorelai came to finally be with Joe and I as it was a bit of heartbreaking trial and error before she made it. The reason I want to share this is because it does not seem to be discussed much until after it happens and then you realize it is quite common and you are not alone. I am happy to take any comments or questions on this but I mostly want other mothers to know that they are not alone.

Joe and I decided we were ready to start a family about 2 years ago. We got pregnant right out of the gate. In fact, I took 4 pregnancy tests before I shared the news with him because I could not believe it would happen so quickly. We were both over the moon with excitement. Everything was going well, I felt great but more tired than normal, and I was watching what I was eating and taking my prenatal supplements. I scheduled my first visit with the midwife for 8 weeks (we are doing natural birth at The Birth Center) but 2 weeks before my visit I started spotting. We ended up having a miscarriage at 6 weeks. I passed everything naturally and took a few months to let my body and my heart recover from the loss. During that time I had a number of people share stories with me about how they had an early miscarriage with their first pregnancy or they shared a friends experience. I learned the statistics on early miscarriage and was surprised to find out how common it was - 24% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage.

When we felt like we were ready we tried again. Lo and behold, we got pregnant the 2nd month trying. Once again I felt great and everything seemed to be going well. I made it to my first visit with the midwife at 8 weeks and everything seemed to be on track. About a week after that I started spotting again. Because of my previous experience the midwife sent me to have an ultrasound. The results came back that the baby had stopped growing at about 6 weeks. I said I was at 9 weeks though, how come it took so long? The answer was that sometimes it takes your body some time to register and start passing everything along. Because it had already been 3 weeks I decided to go see an OBGYN about a DNC in case I didn't start to pass everything soon. The asked the OB if I should seek help to find out what was going on but he told me that they recommend people wait for 4+ miscarriages before they see fertility specialists. I also heard from a number of people how common it was to have multiple miscarriages before getting a successful pregnancy. Who knew? It was all so heartbreaking and confusing.

Joe and I decided we didn't want to go through all of that 2 or more times, we didn't think our hearts could bear it. Some friends of our recommended the fertility experts at Reproductive Science Institute so we made an appointment. The doctors and nurses there were so amazing. The took about 1/2 the blood in my body and some from Joe and started running tests. They told us that quite often they do not find anything wrong with either parent but sometimes just the peace of mind you get with all of the special attention is enough to make the pregnancy successful. Just going there made us immediately feel better.

The tests came back with some interesting results. Everything looked fine for Joe but I had a genetic anomaly where my body could not produce enough folate, even though I was eating my leafy greens and taking my prenatals. They put me on a B-vitamin/folate supplement called Folplex. What the doctor explained to me is that this has not been a proven cause of multiple miscarriages but they have seen it in women who have had them. I told them give me the prescription so that I could start taking them immediately. We had some hope and it was not something that standard tests would have detected.

We started trying again and 2 months later we were successful. We stayed with RSI for the next 10 weeks and they monitored me closely during that time. I went in every 2 weeks for ultrasounds and it was so amazing to see the baby grow. The first ultrasound at 6 weeks looked like a little cotton ball. When I went back at 8 weeks the cotton ball looked like a lima bean and it had a heartbeat and at 10 weeks I had a baby with an umbilical cord.

I share all of this because I want others to know that there are options. Most cities have fertility experts and most insurance plans will cover it. If you do find yourself going through a similar experience speak with your doctor immediately and see what your options are. I know that my case was not as severe as a lot of other mothers out there but the the meaning is the same, you don't have to suffer all of that heartbreak until you have your full story.

We are now expecting our little miracle any day and I cannot express the joy and gratitude that we feel.