Independence Day
"No, I dooit!"
Sometime before she blows out two candles on her birthday cake, your child will begin asserting the Toddler’s Declaration of Independence.
Does this mean the Terrible Twos already?
But the good news is that the Terrible Twos is not a necessary stage of child development. In fact, much negative toddler behavior results from parents misunderstanding and frustrating the child’s natural potential for self-reliance.
Armed with a few basics, you can begin now – before that second birthday – to avoid much of the conflict you may have been anticipating. Or if that birthday’s already behind you, you can work on setting things right.
First: Think positive
Understand the drive for independence as natural and beneficial for your child. Our children have a lot of skills to conquer – buttoning, zipping, tying shoes. The drive for independence is intense because it has to be – otherwise we’d be putting on their boots the rest of their lives!
Second: Use discernment
Be careful not to confuse efforts at self-reliance with rebellious behavior. There’s a big difference between wanting to dress yourself (even though the family is running late) and running away from mom in a parking lot. Discipline should be reserved for negative acts. Thus, a child who empties his drawers while learning to put on his own clothes doesn’t need to be punished – he needs to learn how to put his clothes away. And Mom and Dad must learn to handle less-than-perfect drawers.
Third: Make things possible
A parent who anticipates her child’s independence needs can head off much conflict at the pass. Encourage your child to begin dressing himself by avoiding the changing table and sitting on the floor with him in your lap as you put on his clothes. Help him succeed at putting on his own socks by first giving him those of an older (and larger) sibling. As soon as your child is upwardly mobile and stable, buy a step stool for the kitchen so he can stand by you at the counter and watch what you’ve been so busy doing up there all his life.
Fourth: Encourage his efforts
When your child puts on his own shirt, overlook fumbles such as backwards or inside out. Focus instead on his dressing success. There’s time aplenty to learn that labels go in the back. For now, rather than correction, give him a kiss. After 37 years of growing up with toddlers – through classroom experience and 12 children of my own – I’ve tested and refined this theory: a child whose drive for independence is understood, anticipated, and provided for will never experience the Terrible Twos. And neither will his parents!
