"I just don’t know how to deal with Jake these days," my friend Allison confided recently. "Seems like he’s always pouting about something. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I give in just to get things back on track. Or I try to coax him out of it and he ends up getting way too much attention. Either way, I end up feeling so manipulated!"
Allison was surprised when I told her she was already on her way to a solution. But any parent coming to grips with a problem can take heart: the first step to eliminating an unwelcome pattern is noticing it’s there.
So what to do about manipulation? The first thing a frustrated parent may need is a fresh perspective. Dealing with a sulky, pouting child can bring out a host of negative parental feelings, creating enough emotional static to distort the real message.
Remember that a child doesn’t intentionally set out to manipulate, but resorts to pouting and other manipulative techniques when other means have failed. However, once he discovers these techniques work – by enabling him to get his way, or extra attention – they may become the tools he employs first in pursuit of any goal.
As Dr. William Sears observes in Christian Parenting and Child Care, "At this stage of development, a child sees his interaction with his parents mainly as communication, not manipulation ... Parents, avoid the tendency to overreact to your child’s efforts to get what he wants....When you direct his efforts to manipulate (rather than trying to squelch them), he is encouraged to communicate his needs, and he feels right in communicating them."
In short, a child who manipulates is not seeking to wrest control from his parents, he’s simply stuck in an immature form of communicating what he wants.
Take these steps to help your child grow into a more mature communication pattern:
- Step away from your feelings
When you feel frustrated by your child’s sulky behavior, take a step away from the situation. Many parents are all too quick to sense a power struggle where one is never intended. It’s hard to have a tug-of-war when only one side is pulling the rope.
- Step into his shoes
What is your child really after? Is it all about power or is there some outcome he really wants? Remember, children have a limited repertoire of negotiating skills – perhaps pouting is the only option he can think of. Have you given him every opportunity to express himself constructively? Does he know you have taken her wishes into consideration, that your decision isn’t just an assertion of your power?
- Step onto his side of the fence
So often when our children display negative emotions, we react by stepping on the other side of an invisible fence, and the picture becomes Parent vs. Child. Try thinking of the struggle in terms of Parent and Child vs. The Conflict. How can the two of you resolve the current problem and move on?
- Step through the process
Teach your child how to express himself by offering his other options: "Honey, I know you're upset because you want to go with me today. But sticking your lip out and pouting won't change things. Use your words to tell me how you feel. You might say, ‘I am so unhappy! I wish I could go with you, Mom!' Then I would say, ‘I wish you could come too, but not today.' See, when we're away from each other I miss you too."
All of us want our feelings to be respected. Children are no different. By teaching your child to express his feelings in a constructive way you’re giving him the tools he’ll need to handle adult conflict in a healthy manner – and lots of years at home to keep practicing with you.
