"What’s So Good About Goodbye?" asked an old hit from the sixties. Could that question be the constant refrain of the little one in your life?
If lately your toddler’s been stuck to you like glue, you may be asking a few questions yourself: Why does he worry when I leave the room? Is it okay that he clings to me at the park instead of playing with the other kids? How can I leave him in the nursery when he’s howling?
Clinging behavior in toddlers, though it may look like separation anxiety, is not the same. In The Discipline Book, Dr. William Sears explains that separation anxiety occurs during the first year when the appropriately-bonded baby notices and reacts to the absence of the mother. According to Sears, this phase is resolved during the second year as the young toddler becomes able to recreate a mental image of an absent parent. This memory then becomes a source of self-reassurance. The toddler notices mom is missing, but can see her in his mind. Usually that’s enough to keep him going.
What is normal?
Thirty seven years with toddlers (12 of my own as well as students in my Montessori classes) have confirmed what I learned in my training: as the toddler matures, the drive for independence becomes the most prominent theme. The world becomes more fascinating than mom. His cries of "I do it myself!" signal his need to define his separateness.
Of course, toddlers still need their share of cuddles and kisses. No matter how independent, your toddler will wind back now and then for a "battery recharge." And when hurt or frightened – or feeling a little under the weather – your little boy or girl will quickly become your baby once again.
What causes excessive clinging?
If your child’s clinging seems too intense or too persistent, it may signal some underlying anxiety. This may be easily identifiable: a move, a loss, unusual family stress. Or it may be that he is just feeling a little too pressured to grow up faster than he comfortably can.
