So I have been trying to get this post completed for 3 days. I didn't really believe it when everyone told me that having a baby would completely change my world and my ability to accomplish 30+ things in a day. I wouldn't trade it for the world, it just means that I have to be a little more patient with my ability to do things - totally worth the effort. Anyway...

I went to see Dr. Soppas, the pediatrician/lactation consultant at Drexel Hill Pediatrics. She was wonderful and the visit went really well. Dr. Soppas asked me a bunch of questions about what I had been going through and about my health. She also watched me feed Lorelai both with and without the supplementer. She talked to me a bit about the options and how she has worked with mothers in the same situation in the past. Here is a brief recap:

- I should consider how I am feeding Lorelai with the supplementer as breastfeeding. I didn't think of it that way before and it has made a difference in my feelings towards using it.
- I may never make enough milk to feed her completely on my own but I could use the supplementer for 6 months and then when she starts solids I may have enough milk to feed her solids and breast milk.
- I may also get enough milk to feed her just breast milk for snacks or during the night time feeding while using the supplementer for the main meals.
- Or we may figure this whole thing out and just be able to give her the breast milk.

So this is the course of action we are taking. She had me go for more blood work yesterday to see where my HCG and other levels fall. She also felt like an HCG of 35 was too high and may indicate retained placenta. If the level is not down around 5 now (a month later) then she will order an ultrasound for me. She also gave me a prescription for Reglan, an acid reflux medicine that also has the side affect of producing more milk.

Hopefully the test results will come in on Saturday and she will give me a call, if not then I'm sure I will hear something on Monday.

I feel really good about having a plan. I'm not the kind of person that operates well in limbo, I have to feel l have a plan and that a decision can be made at the end. I'm also excited to think that I am breastfeeding even if it is with a little help - I love a new perspective.

Thanks so much for all the support and for sharing your stories with me. It has helped more than I can say.

So the breastfeeding saga continues...I have been playing phone tag with The Birth Center since Friday. I call and leave a message for the midwife to call me back, she calls me back when I can't get to the phone (i.e. I'm feeding the baby), I call and leave another message for her to call me back again, you get the idea. Well, she finally called back and I was able to answer. I wish I had just let it go to voice mail again.

I told her I was calling about my test results and that I understood that the results were in the normal ranges but wasn't it possible that there still could be a problem since I was not producing any milk. She said that the normal ranges indicated that there was not a problem so there was no need for further testing in regards to the test results. I asked her why I wasn't producing any milk then and she told me that some people just don't produce milk. That is interesting coming from them since they are such huge advocates for breastfeeding and while sitting in their 2.5 hour breastfeeding class their lactation consultant told the class not to let anyone tell us we could not breastfeed our babies. So why are they not willing to help me, go the extra mile, whatever? She told me that I should call Dr. Soble (the doctor my lactation consultant recommended to me).

I told her that I did not feel like I was getting any support from them and that I was really disappointed about that. I think that tomorrow I will call the other doctor and then I will see what she has to say. After that I will write a letter to The Birth Center and tell them how I feel about things. I am so disappointed because they have been so wonderful to me up until now.

It is fine if I cannot produce milk, I understand and accept that. However, I have a problem with them leading everyone on by telling them we can all feed our babies. They need to spend the first hour of their class telling people the difficulties with breastfeeding (which they do not cover in the class at all) rather than discussing the global politics of breastfeeding.

Ok, my rant is over. I'll keep you posted.

I had a great visit with the lactation consultant, Robyn, today. She called yesterday and told me that she wanted to get Lorelai started on The Supplementer. The supplementer is basically a small bottle that I wear around my neck and it has two small tubes coming out of it. I tape one tube near each nipple and then when Lorelai latches on to the nipple she gets the tube too. This way, even if I'm not making enough milk, she still gets nutrition.

It works great and Lorelai is able to latch on and feed for about 10 minutes on each side but because it is much more difficult to breastfeed then to bottle feed she tires out easily and is really only getting about 1 oz so I finish her off with the bottle. To get her more used to it Robyn suggested I try to find a day where I can spend with her just experimenting with the supplementer until she gets used to it. I have most of the day tomorrow so I think I will take advantage of it.

Robyn still feels like there is something going on with me that is causing my milk not to come in. She believes that it is retained placenta but that when she spoke with one of the midwives where I delivered the midwife didn't seem too concerned. I'm going to call the midwife tomorrow and try to get one of them that I know a bit better and see if I can make any progress with them. If I can't, Robyn gave me the name of a doctor that is also a lactation specialist and I will call her.

It feels good to be able to "feed" Lorelai and especially good not to be chained to the pump. Woo hoo!!!

My tests results came back and everything looks normal. They tested my prolactin, testosterone, HCG and thyroid levels. The prolactin showed that I am lactating and the HCG had dropped from the 1000+ down to 35. So if all is ok then why am I only getting teaspoons when I pump? My lactation consultant is still working on what might be going on and how to help me.

Lorelai is eating more at each feeding, almost 4 oz. each time, so she is napping longer between feedings. This makes me feel like I have a bit more time to get things done. I'm still pumping when she feeds but because everything is a bit more spaced out it does not seem as overwhelming. I'm just not sure how long to keep doing this before it kicks in or I throw in the towel. A friend of mine told me it could take 4-5 weeks, I can hold out that long, but I don't feel like I have the energy to keep going after that.

I know it will be ok if she is a bottle fed baby. I was bottle fed, my hubby was bottle fed, in fact almost everyone I know my age was bottle fed. I just really, really wanted to breastfeed her so I'm feeling a little down on myself right now. It is the mental vs. the emotional.

I hope the lactation consultant has some new ideas for me tomorrow.

So I think yesterday was the most difficult day of my life, ever! Joe and I were running a little low on sleep yesterday but we were feeling pretty good about things. I am breastfeeding and I felt like things were going ok, it is hard hard to tell when you don't have a way to measure the milk. Lorelai was feeding well when she wanted to eat but if we had to wake her she didn't eat so well. She was making plenty of messy diapers so that was our measure of success.

Well, about noon yesterday Lorelai started crying and would not stop. It wasn't constant, she would cry for about an hour and then settle down. We were able to feed her some and she was making messy diapers still so we thought she had gas. We continued with the sleep for 30 minutes - cry for an hour - feed for 5 minutes cycle that she seemed to be for the rest of the day and ALL NIGHT LONG! About 2:30am we called the pediatrician and he said she sounded hungry, try to keep feeding her and bring her in, we had an appointment today already. She feel asleep about 5:00am and did sleep until 7:00.

At 7:00 we woke up and I fed her a little bit and then she slept the rest of the morning until 11:00am when we went to the pediatrician. Dr. May weighed her and she was down from her birth weight of 6 lbs 10 oz to 5 lbs 10 oz - which was 14% of her body weight. Dr. May discussed our options with us, bottle feeding or breastfeeding. He recommended a lactation consultant at Newborn Concepts and called and made an appointment for us.

We met with Robyn at Newborn Concepts and she checked Lorelai's ability to suck at the breast and we learned that her "suck" was not strong enough, which could be attributed to her low weight and energy. Robyn also thought that even though my milk appeared to be in, because Lorelai was not strong enough to suck that my milk was probably not plentiful enough yet. We then discussed our options, our only concern being that Lorelai put the weight back on and become stronger and the goal to be able to breastfeed again. We decided to formula feed her from a bottle until I could pump enough to supply her milk. Once she put the weight back on and I was producing enough milk for her we would switch her back to breastfeeding.

Oh my gosh, what a relief we felt. We caught it early and were able to get a good plan in place before she was too sick or dehydrated. We are feeding her every 2 hours during the day and every 3 hours at night. Every time we feed her I also pump so that my milk supply will soon match the demand of feeding. As soon as I get enough milk she will be bottle fed with breast milk but until then we have to give her formula. We are already noticing a difference and I cannot explain how much better we feel. I know that she will be all better soon.