So I have been trying to get this post completed for 3 days. I didn't really believe it when everyone told me that having a baby would completely change my world and my ability to accomplish 30+ things in a day. I wouldn't trade it for the world, it just means that I have to be a little more patient with my ability to do things - totally worth the effort. Anyway...

I went to see Dr. Soppas, the pediatrician/lactation consultant at Drexel Hill Pediatrics. She was wonderful and the visit went really well. Dr. Soppas asked me a bunch of questions about what I had been going through and about my health. She also watched me feed Lorelai both with and without the supplementer. She talked to me a bit about the options and how she has worked with mothers in the same situation in the past. Here is a brief recap:

- I should consider how I am feeding Lorelai with the supplementer as breastfeeding. I didn't think of it that way before and it has made a difference in my feelings towards using it.
- I may never make enough milk to feed her completely on my own but I could use the supplementer for 6 months and then when she starts solids I may have enough milk to feed her solids and breast milk.
- I may also get enough milk to feed her just breast milk for snacks or during the night time feeding while using the supplementer for the main meals.
- Or we may figure this whole thing out and just be able to give her the breast milk.

So this is the course of action we are taking. She had me go for more blood work yesterday to see where my HCG and other levels fall. She also felt like an HCG of 35 was too high and may indicate retained placenta. If the level is not down around 5 now (a month later) then she will order an ultrasound for me. She also gave me a prescription for Reglan, an acid reflux medicine that also has the side affect of producing more milk.

Hopefully the test results will come in on Saturday and she will give me a call, if not then I'm sure I will hear something on Monday.

I feel really good about having a plan. I'm not the kind of person that operates well in limbo, I have to feel l have a plan and that a decision can be made at the end. I'm also excited to think that I am breastfeeding even if it is with a little help - I love a new perspective.

Thanks so much for all the support and for sharing your stories with me. It has helped more than I can say.

So the breastfeeding saga continues...I have been playing phone tag with The Birth Center since Friday. I call and leave a message for the midwife to call me back, she calls me back when I can't get to the phone (i.e. I'm feeding the baby), I call and leave another message for her to call me back again, you get the idea. Well, she finally called back and I was able to answer. I wish I had just let it go to voice mail again.

I told her I was calling about my test results and that I understood that the results were in the normal ranges but wasn't it possible that there still could be a problem since I was not producing any milk. She said that the normal ranges indicated that there was not a problem so there was no need for further testing in regards to the test results. I asked her why I wasn't producing any milk then and she told me that some people just don't produce milk. That is interesting coming from them since they are such huge advocates for breastfeeding and while sitting in their 2.5 hour breastfeeding class their lactation consultant told the class not to let anyone tell us we could not breastfeed our babies. So why are they not willing to help me, go the extra mile, whatever? She told me that I should call Dr. Soble (the doctor my lactation consultant recommended to me).

I told her that I did not feel like I was getting any support from them and that I was really disappointed about that. I think that tomorrow I will call the other doctor and then I will see what she has to say. After that I will write a letter to The Birth Center and tell them how I feel about things. I am so disappointed because they have been so wonderful to me up until now.

It is fine if I cannot produce milk, I understand and accept that. However, I have a problem with them leading everyone on by telling them we can all feed our babies. They need to spend the first hour of their class telling people the difficulties with breastfeeding (which they do not cover in the class at all) rather than discussing the global politics of breastfeeding.

Ok, my rant is over. I'll keep you posted.

My tests results came back and everything looks normal. They tested my prolactin, testosterone, HCG and thyroid levels. The prolactin showed that I am lactating and the HCG had dropped from the 1000+ down to 35. So if all is ok then why am I only getting teaspoons when I pump? My lactation consultant is still working on what might be going on and how to help me.

Lorelai is eating more at each feeding, almost 4 oz. each time, so she is napping longer between feedings. This makes me feel like I have a bit more time to get things done. I'm still pumping when she feeds but because everything is a bit more spaced out it does not seem as overwhelming. I'm just not sure how long to keep doing this before it kicks in or I throw in the towel. A friend of mine told me it could take 4-5 weeks, I can hold out that long, but I don't feel like I have the energy to keep going after that.

I know it will be ok if she is a bottle fed baby. I was bottle fed, my hubby was bottle fed, in fact almost everyone I know my age was bottle fed. I just really, really wanted to breastfeed her so I'm feeling a little down on myself right now. It is the mental vs. the emotional.

I hope the lactation consultant has some new ideas for me tomorrow.